Another thing I am tired of doing everyday is working out. I work out so damn much, really more than most people I know. Does that I mean I just don’t hang out with fit people? Actually I know a lot of people who work out a good amount, but no one strikes me as obsessed like I am. Its really a secret that no one knows about me. If you saw me on the street, you wouldn’t think I was an over exerciser. I’m almost tipping the scales at 140 pounds, at 5’3 I used to weigh at one point 115, stayed at 125 for a long time, and most recently hung out at 130 for more than 2 years. All of a sudden in the past 6 months I have ballooned up to 140 despite the fact that I work out just as much as I always have. I consistently do 50-60 min of cardio, weight train 2-3 times a week on the body for life weight training system, I push myself to the edge and nothing. :( No results, if anything I am just maintaining this fat ass weight. How do I get it off? Im at the point of just giving up, im pissed off that I am getting nowhere and wasting so much time everyday focusing and planning my day around my workouts. Where has this hard work gotten me? I am beyond frustrated and just joined weight watchers this past week, I feel like I am at the edge of my rope with weight loss, diets, and working out.

NOT

What do I do with my life?

So I am horrible at keeping up with my blog. I think I am interested in it for about a week and then I realize I am writing to nobody and nothing. I have started about 4 other blogs and I never write in them. I am coming back to this one, because I feel like I have the most connection with this one. And the appearance of it just remdinds of myself much more.

I want to know who cares about what I am saying in these blogs? Who knows but I guess that doesn’t matter. I am tired… Tired of not being able to find my way in the world. I thought I would know this and have this figured out by now. I just turned 30 this past weekend and sometimes I feel that I have nothing to show for my life. Am I just being bitter and pissed off about my life and the fact that I am completely bored with my life. I love the people, friends, family, my husband in my life, but what I get up to do every morning is completely boring and lifeless.

Is this why we go to college? It makes me think of Penelope Trunk’s blog, gosh I love that woman and her ability to not give a shit about what anyone thinks. She says our college education doesn’t guarantee crap and the fact that we all want to be happy as superficially idyllic. This is life, we have bills to pay, errands to run, toilet paper to buy, but half the time I feel like I never have enough time to do just something that I WANT to do. How can I find my way in this world? Someone tell me!

The things I want to do with my life… if I had my pick…. I’d be a healer, doctor of some sort, something where I can talk to people every day and help them. I love learning about the human body, diseases, and medicines and holistic ways of looking at them. Another thing I’d love to do is work with art everyday!!! Sheesh I would be super excited if I could do that. I want to work at Christies! How can I do this, I feel like I am not good enough for all these jobs. But why am I like this and how can I overcome it ?? If someone is listening please tell me.