Once again

I started this blog years ago and every year I think I attempt to write in it and then never do, so I am going to try to write in it more often. I feel like everything that I wanted for my life has not happened yet or never materialized. I am 31 and I always thought that by now I would have a baby, own a house, have the career of my dreams. Instead, I can’t seem to get pregnant, I have no money saved to get a house, and the career of my dreams, well that veered off with rejections. At this point I feel very frustrated. I know that I have so much to be happy and thankful for in my life, but still I feel frustrated. My work sucks, my marriage is not perfect (but what marriage is) and I can’t seem to find any time to catch up on all the things I need to do. The life that I dreamt for myself just never happened, life pushes us and pulls us in different directions, most of the times to teach us a lesson. I wanted to go to school to get my PHD in art history, got rejected and I don’t if I have any more time for rejection left in me. Liked my job in marketing, then got laid off, now I am stuck in a job that is going nowhere. I want to be promoted and get a permanent position, but nothing seems to be happening, instead I am stuck being an assistant to so many people. Doing things that make no sense. I go home sometimes and I feel so disappointed in myself that I want to cry. I see other people getting opportunities, having great things happen to them, and then there is me stuck in the back. I have always felt invisible and now I feel even more invisible.

Breathing new life into the blog

I'll admit I haven't blogged in so long. I created some other blogs that are out there, but I never get more than 5 or 6 entries in, when I totally quit. I feel like no one is reading and no one really cares, which I am sure is the case for pretty much 99 percent of the blogs that are out there. Does it really matter though, if someone is reading it or not. In a sense it does make you feel like someone is listening, but in reality I guess it doesnt really matter at all.

I feel like its time for me to get myself back on track and start figuring out what I want out of my life and what I want to do with it. I have been so lost and a bit out of it since I have been laid off. So I really want this to be a place where I can be honest and talk about whatever the hell I want.

Although I have created other blogs, I dont feel closely connected to those as I do with this one. I first created it as I was in grad school and at the exact time when I got my breast implants. I had some free time and I was taking a lot of pain killers, so that makes sense why alot of my posts at that time were so runny. As if I was talking without any grammatical support whatsoever and without any regard for punctation, so thats my first post of 2011.