Once again

I started this blog years ago and every year I think I attempt to write in it and then never do, so I am going to try to write in it more often. I feel like everything that I wanted for my life has not happened yet or never materialized. I am 31 and I always thought that by now I would have a baby, own a house, have the career of my dreams. Instead, I can’t seem to get pregnant, I have no money saved to get a house, and the career of my dreams, well that veered off with rejections. At this point I feel very frustrated. I know that I have so much to be happy and thankful for in my life, but still I feel frustrated. My work sucks, my marriage is not perfect (but what marriage is) and I can’t seem to find any time to catch up on all the things I need to do. The life that I dreamt for myself just never happened, life pushes us and pulls us in different directions, most of the times to teach us a lesson. I wanted to go to school to get my PHD in art history, got rejected and I don’t if I have any more time for rejection left in me. Liked my job in marketing, then got laid off, now I am stuck in a job that is going nowhere. I want to be promoted and get a permanent position, but nothing seems to be happening, instead I am stuck being an assistant to so many people. Doing things that make no sense. I go home sometimes and I feel so disappointed in myself that I want to cry. I see other people getting opportunities, having great things happen to them, and then there is me stuck in the back. I have always felt invisible and now I feel even more invisible.

Breathing new life into the blog

I'll admit I haven't blogged in so long. I created some other blogs that are out there, but I never get more than 5 or 6 entries in, when I totally quit. I feel like no one is reading and no one really cares, which I am sure is the case for pretty much 99 percent of the blogs that are out there. Does it really matter though, if someone is reading it or not. In a sense it does make you feel like someone is listening, but in reality I guess it doesnt really matter at all.

I feel like its time for me to get myself back on track and start figuring out what I want out of my life and what I want to do with it. I have been so lost and a bit out of it since I have been laid off. So I really want this to be a place where I can be honest and talk about whatever the hell I want.

Although I have created other blogs, I dont feel closely connected to those as I do with this one. I first created it as I was in grad school and at the exact time when I got my breast implants. I had some free time and I was taking a lot of pain killers, so that makes sense why alot of my posts at that time were so runny. As if I was talking without any grammatical support whatsoever and without any regard for punctation, so thats my first post of 2011.

Another thing I am tired of doing everyday is working out. I work out so damn much, really more than most people I know. Does that I mean I just don’t hang out with fit people? Actually I know a lot of people who work out a good amount, but no one strikes me as obsessed like I am. Its really a secret that no one knows about me. If you saw me on the street, you wouldn’t think I was an over exerciser. I’m almost tipping the scales at 140 pounds, at 5’3 I used to weigh at one point 115, stayed at 125 for a long time, and most recently hung out at 130 for more than 2 years. All of a sudden in the past 6 months I have ballooned up to 140 despite the fact that I work out just as much as I always have. I consistently do 50-60 min of cardio, weight train 2-3 times a week on the body for life weight training system, I push myself to the edge and nothing. :( No results, if anything I am just maintaining this fat ass weight. How do I get it off? Im at the point of just giving up, im pissed off that I am getting nowhere and wasting so much time everyday focusing and planning my day around my workouts. Where has this hard work gotten me? I am beyond frustrated and just joined weight watchers this past week, I feel like I am at the edge of my rope with weight loss, diets, and working out.

NOT

What do I do with my life?

So I am horrible at keeping up with my blog. I think I am interested in it for about a week and then I realize I am writing to nobody and nothing. I have started about 4 other blogs and I never write in them. I am coming back to this one, because I feel like I have the most connection with this one. And the appearance of it just remdinds of myself much more.

I want to know who cares about what I am saying in these blogs? Who knows but I guess that doesn’t matter. I am tired… Tired of not being able to find my way in the world. I thought I would know this and have this figured out by now. I just turned 30 this past weekend and sometimes I feel that I have nothing to show for my life. Am I just being bitter and pissed off about my life and the fact that I am completely bored with my life. I love the people, friends, family, my husband in my life, but what I get up to do every morning is completely boring and lifeless.

Is this why we go to college? It makes me think of Penelope Trunk’s blog, gosh I love that woman and her ability to not give a shit about what anyone thinks. She says our college education doesn’t guarantee crap and the fact that we all want to be happy as superficially idyllic. This is life, we have bills to pay, errands to run, toilet paper to buy, but half the time I feel like I never have enough time to do just something that I WANT to do. How can I find my way in this world? Someone tell me!

The things I want to do with my life… if I had my pick…. I’d be a healer, doctor of some sort, something where I can talk to people every day and help them. I love learning about the human body, diseases, and medicines and holistic ways of looking at them. Another thing I’d love to do is work with art everyday!!! Sheesh I would be super excited if I could do that. I want to work at Christies! How can I do this, I feel like I am not good enough for all these jobs. But why am I like this and how can I overcome it ?? If someone is listening please tell me.

My new goal is to take 2 small changes and see what kind of a difference they make in my life.
1. Im not drinking, and if I do it will only be once a week, if there is a special occasion going on. Im not going to tell myself that I am never goign to drink again. For now I want to go at least till sept 15th. When my husbands mom will come to visit.

2. Not eating at night and drinking tea instead with soy milk.

Some other goals, I want to be more concious of my eating and my eating habits. I am also not going to psychcotically count calories anymore, because they just drive me more nuts. Also, thinking positive and thinking better. Doing more yoga and pilates for relaxation and stress relief.

Sunday -
Workout - 20 min cybex, 4 shoulder exercises, 20 min cybex again
Food
1120- 2 apples
230 - bag of cauliflower and brocolli, 1/2 bag of spinach, greek salad, small cucumber, 1/2 red bell pepper, some purple cabbage, 1 tbs rasberry walnut dressing, spray dressing
Note - I think this meal was too big, I need to learn to eat less, maybe that will be my goals for another month.
6- I feel like eating, but I think I am just bored!!

Day 1

I've decided to do a whole month alcohol free. Can I do it? I don't know but I think I can. Im also trying to give up dairy starting today. Im adding in more beans for protein and trying to stray myself away from counting calories and just focusing on eating clean food. I am thinking the results will come by themselves, if I follow that regimine.

Day 1
No Alcohol
No Dairy

- ordered a salad for lunch without cheese, that was hard!!

Doing too much too soon

Its been a whole week and 3 days since surgery. Im feeling a lot better and I think I pushed myself too much today. I went back to work, back to my routine. I went to costco and picked up a package of water, bad idea, my muslces hurt. I also did squats because I jsut cant handle not exercising! After all was said and done, my pectorals are hurting so I had to take some meds. Basically my whole body hurts and is tired!! I need to give myself the much need rest I need both mentally and physically. Hugs to All!!