Food went better today. Decided to eat less at night and make my portions smaller. I realized i was eating good food, but too big of portions and too much in general, which left me feeling stuffed!! I realized I dont want to feel stuffed everytime I eat.

Workout- 30 min cardio, did intervals
Atrophex - Day 2 - gives me lots of energy, helps with my workout, helps my mood a lot!

Water in morning
845- atrophex
945- 1/4 cup oatmeal, 4 egg whites, 2 tbls flax seed, less than 1/2 cup of blueberries
1130- apple
1- about 4-6 oz. chicken, about 4-5 oz. sw. potatoe, green beans
215- atrophex
300-workout
4- cottage cheese doubles w/pineapple
445- fiber bar (fills me up, really good)
5- 3-4 oz. chicken
545- 3-4 oz. chicken, green beans (stopped myself from snacking and served myself and warmed up the chicken instead of eating it cold and not enjoying it)
830- lean dessert protein shake w/a sml banana (very good, filling too)

I am sick of the fact that I get home and I do nothing. I do absolutely fucking nothing. my life has evolved into I dont even know anymore. Why am I so upset with all of this?
I feel like I am all alone, no one to talk to, no one to laugh with, no one. just me and my preoccupations with food. I guess that is why I focus so much on that, cuz I have nothing else to focus on. wow i really suck.

I feel like all i day lately is eat, all i think about is eating. I cant stop obsessing about eating, what if i stopped thinking about it. I wonder what would happen. What if for one day I stopped thinking about all the things that bother me, about my weight, my ocd, my worries, my thoughts, my lists, and just relaxed and did what I wanted to do. Instead of listening to what I think I should be doing and following my eating plans at the right time. Im tired of that already, its driving me nuts. Maybe I should just focus on making a loose plan of what I'll eat and eating when im hungry not when I think I should be eating and makign all those execuses for myself of why I should be putting that food into my mouth. Yuck I feel disgustingly fat right now!!!!!!! EWWwwwwwwww!!!!

Tomorrows plan-
egg whites and oatmeal
chicken, sweet potato, baby carrots
protein shake, apple
protein shake, fruit
cottage cheese, blueberries

eat less at night!

BFL-Day 3
I did okay today, once again I feel like my portions at night are too big. I served myself too much sweet potato tonight and I am super full. Beyond full, but im not going to eat anything else for the rest of the night.
8-lipo 6
9- 1/4 cup oatmeal, 3 egg whites, 2 tbl flaxseed, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, a few blueberries
1130- protein shake
12- atrophex
1- chicken, sweet potato, baby carrots
4-5 - workout - upper body weights
5- protein shake (musle milk)
545- egg white salad from trader joe's
7- 4 oz chicken while making food (not good, no more picking at food)
730- big piece of chicken, between 5-6 oz, 1 1/2 sweet potatoe, 2 handfuls green beans

Goals for tomorrow:
1. Smaller portions
2. Get evening eating in check
3. less carbs at night

Today has been a crazy day ive had so many thoughts going through my brain. I realized I want to write a book, yeah a book how fun would that be and I think I can do it, NO i know i can do it. I just have to put my mind to it.

Second Note- BFL Day 2
Well this is week 4 of dieting more strictly. I was loosely following the structure for the first two weeks, basically just eating more protein and getting out of my almost vegetarian lifestyle. Which consisted of lots of soy pattys for protein. After making little mistakes here and there, last week I started doing the BFL workouts from what I gathered on the website and eating somewhat like the plan, but I realized that yesterday when I got my book. I think i have been eating too big of portions and working out too much. What I couldnt believe it, I have always done lots of cardio and my weight has stayed the same. I cant get out of the 30's, so my goal is to get out of those 30's and follow the plan more closely.

Goals-
Stop eating gum
Stop eating mints, sugar free drops or anything sf
Cut down on the splenda, in fact I want to quit it, but I dont know if I can!!

Its sunday and its been my first week of the bfl diet. I didnt go out on friday and saturday I had my cheat day. Yesterday I had a mimosa, a piece of a pancake, some vodka drinks, lots of chips and dip, and a piece of cake. The cake was delicious but I got so sick from the food. I am realizing that my body just cant handle too much of that type of food its so gross.

Im having a hard time realizing that I have to eat, my mind is so used to not wanting to eat that having to eat is making me a little batty. All i could think about is the calories in the food. Im also having a dilemma with eating lots of chicken, I was a vegetarian and last month was almost going back to it, so knowing the fact that ive been eating so much chicken kind of freaks me out sometimes. Part of me feels like im losing weight and another part still feels gross. I feel like im so tired of dealing with all this bullshit and these feelings. These feelings of feeling like i think my body is not good enough is hard.

This week will be better, I am going to get all my priorities in order. Im tired of feeling clueless.