My new goal is to take 2 small changes and see what kind of a difference they make in my life.
1. Im not drinking, and if I do it will only be once a week, if there is a special occasion going on. Im not going to tell myself that I am never goign to drink again. For now I want to go at least till sept 15th. When my husbands mom will come to visit.

2. Not eating at night and drinking tea instead with soy milk.

Some other goals, I want to be more concious of my eating and my eating habits. I am also not going to psychcotically count calories anymore, because they just drive me more nuts. Also, thinking positive and thinking better. Doing more yoga and pilates for relaxation and stress relief.

Sunday -
Workout - 20 min cybex, 4 shoulder exercises, 20 min cybex again
Food
1120- 2 apples
230 - bag of cauliflower and brocolli, 1/2 bag of spinach, greek salad, small cucumber, 1/2 red bell pepper, some purple cabbage, 1 tbs rasberry walnut dressing, spray dressing
Note - I think this meal was too big, I need to learn to eat less, maybe that will be my goals for another month.
6- I feel like eating, but I think I am just bored!!

Day 1

I've decided to do a whole month alcohol free. Can I do it? I don't know but I think I can. Im also trying to give up dairy starting today. Im adding in more beans for protein and trying to stray myself away from counting calories and just focusing on eating clean food. I am thinking the results will come by themselves, if I follow that regimine.

Day 1
No Alcohol
No Dairy

- ordered a salad for lunch without cheese, that was hard!!

Doing too much too soon

Its been a whole week and 3 days since surgery. Im feeling a lot better and I think I pushed myself too much today. I went back to work, back to my routine. I went to costco and picked up a package of water, bad idea, my muslces hurt. I also did squats because I jsut cant handle not exercising! After all was said and done, my pectorals are hurting so I had to take some meds. Basically my whole body hurts and is tired!! I need to give myself the much need rest I need both mentally and physically. Hugs to All!!

Studying Day

Today has been a day of all day studying. Oh my gosh, im so tired. Tomorrow is the big day, but I think I am ready and I am going to rock out with my Aristotle and Plato. Hell Yeah. Im so freaking tired, Im ready for a glass of wine or 2 and a big beer. haha.

I found this awesome buddha hand at the store. It makes me feel calm, I love it.

Studying & Vino

I studied a lot today. Well it was a lot for me. Err Im so tired of reading Kenneth Burke enough about that man. Geez you need to be on Vicodin, percocet, and some serious pain killers to get through his readings. I really want to know what that man was on when he was writing.

My best friend came over we had 2 glasses of wine then hopped in her wonderful mini and got another bottle. Stupid us, hello why did we only buy one bottle of wine. We went through that bottle so quick, it was delicious. I haven't drank in like a week, since the surgery and the meds. A nice glass of Pinot Grigio was great, we male bashed as always. Geez we are such male bashers I dont get it. hahahaa. Debated over my vegas conondrum. I talked to my sister on instant messange I got her to download AIM and we chatted. That was fun, I showed her my new girls via instant message that was funny. haha. Oh yeah shes 12 by the way and we are planning a trip to LA for some serious shopping. Its ON!!!

Finally Feeling Better Today

Well I just wrote a hell of a long post and it got deleted, so Im mad!! Basically today im feeling better, finally feeling like myself. I feel like i just woke up after a really long nap, like freaking Rip Van Winkle, Ive been asleep and on meds since Friday. I can finally type and actually connected with some coworkers over IM today which is nice to feel a little bit back to normal. I was reading in a mag today and it made me think, what is the number one thing you have learned from a man in your life? Well the number one thing ive learned is I can put electrical appliances and decipher tv wires and install appliances like a pro because of my dad. BUT what I have really learned from men is the way that they think of situations. They look at something, think about how it relates to them, think about it for a sec, and move on. They dont look at a problem like women do, like a magical picture with a hidden sailboat in the middle, we look at that picture from the sides, cross eyed, up and down, hoping that an answer will come if we think about it long enough. So we should start thinking like men, think about the problem, have the balls to think we can resolve it and move on!

Since my husband has been so nice lately, i think im going to make him a kick ass dinner, either a Giada recipe- halibut with balsmic glaze or baked halibut with warm sherry onion vinaigrette from the epicurious website????? any advice???

Enjoyed a good small dinner tonight of grilled zucchini, balsamic, herbs, and a bit of parmesan anda dash of hot pepper flakes. Deliciously enjoyed while I watched the Biggest Loser.

Epiphanies & Stresses

Right now I am completely freaking stressed out. This friday is my thesis exam and my mind is a complete thesis mind FUCK. Do you understand? I didnt freaking know when my exam would be, of course it lands the week after my BA surgery. That is the kind of luck that follows me. But I am not going to stress about it. I am going to do what I normally do when I am in stress mode,, I go balls out with my studying. I am going to read everything inside and out. I am going to know Kenneth Burke like he is my love, I am going understand Aristotle as if he was sitting right next to me, Plato is going to love me so much he is going to make me dinner and we are all goign to share some wine and talk about rhetoric. Its going to be great. Once that hurdle is over I am going to drink a GIGANTIC bottle of champagne.

Ive also had an epiphany, no one knows this yet, only you, my dear old bloggie friend. I want to move to New York, actually I have always wanted to move there, anyone who knows me knows that. I just feel that is the town I was meant to live in. I want to live there, work there and get a job at Google there. Watch I am writing this down as proof that it will happen. It will happen, I want it to happen. This is my fucking vision board, as the book the secret says. Melissa in New York, thats what I need, thats my calling in life. Someone please listen to this call, as I am dialing right now. hahhaaa.

The Hills is Trash-The Bachelor is SOO real haha

Today is day 4- Things are going better. Ive been feeling better, I actually got up and went to Trader Joe's with my mom. Although I felt like a complete zombie, the whole time I was there. Going up and down the aisles without being able to really move my arms. That is such a weird feeling that we take for granted. Today has been a day of reflection, sitting at home, with nothing else on my mind (well I have a lot on my mind) but the thought of what I did. I feel okay and I think it was a good decision. The nauseau is going away (why the hell is nauseau the hardest word for me to spell). I am watching the hills the show that I absolutely DETEST. I just think it is the stupidest thing, here is a show about people in their 20's who live in hollywood, who have money, who have all the opportunities that they want at their fingertips. Its just not reality and its just realistic for people to think that the world works like that because it doesnt. I woudl love to go to Paris, I would love to be a writer for Vogue, and I actually have the talent and ability to do so, but I have no connections to just straddle up to their offices and get that type of job. Look at that Heidi girl, she is a complete ditz and she got the job, why because the company that hired her would get publicity becuase of the show. Anyways, who cares about them, lets get back to watching real shows like the Bachelor-London Calling. At least that show, I have accepted they are on tv, they are ditzes, it is pure entertainment. haha.

Day 2 - Boob Job

Ok today is day 2 and I am in lots of pain.
The worst part of this all is the nauseusness, my stomach hurts so bad with all these pills. I feel like I am gaining weight as I type. All Ive been eating is bread, crackers, bananas, and pudding, and soup. I cant seem to handle anyhthing else.

Ahh i cant type anymore.

Fresh Start to blogging

I'm back to blogging. I realized i missed it and I want to make this blog a lot better and actually write all my thoughts in it. Since I have so many. So far my title of the blog has rung true, as you can see in my previous rants. I was doing the Body for Life diet, of which I have since stopped. I am now back to being a vegetarian, as in my pre-married life. I realize I just enjoy it more and I feel better throughout. My body feels back to normal, my insides feel the way I used to feel before I started eating meat again. I am getting breast implants tomorrow, woo hoo, Im so excited, nervous, and scared. I will be posting and you can follow my progress. Although currently no one is probably reading, but it makes me feel better :)

Im so nervous today, I cant even think straight. My mind is going everywhere.
On another rant-I have a conflicting relationship with Starbucks. I used to get their americanos all the time, but then i got so sick of the, got sick of having the ritual of having to stop there before work started, and the money I was wasting. So its been about 6 months since I've stopped my regular habit, and now I only go every once in a while. Also Starbucks coffee in my opinion is not the best, I happen to like my local place across the stree from Starbcks called Mamas Mug, which has about 30 different types of coffee beans and gives customers 6 different options daily like banana nut, coconut vanilla, etc. ANYways, today i actually went and got an americano and tried their new SF mocha syrup. By the time I got back to work, it was DISGUSTING. Threw it in the trash and got a cup of my usual free work coffee. That was an awful reminder of why Starbucks just overpriced crap.

Since ive been reading the secret its made me realize what I want out of life. I really want to write my book. I think I can do it and I need to get myself started.

Food went better today. Decided to eat less at night and make my portions smaller. I realized i was eating good food, but too big of portions and too much in general, which left me feeling stuffed!! I realized I dont want to feel stuffed everytime I eat.

Workout- 30 min cardio, did intervals
Atrophex - Day 2 - gives me lots of energy, helps with my workout, helps my mood a lot!

Water in morning
845- atrophex
945- 1/4 cup oatmeal, 4 egg whites, 2 tbls flax seed, less than 1/2 cup of blueberries
1130- apple
1- about 4-6 oz. chicken, about 4-5 oz. sw. potatoe, green beans
215- atrophex
300-workout
4- cottage cheese doubles w/pineapple
445- fiber bar (fills me up, really good)
5- 3-4 oz. chicken
545- 3-4 oz. chicken, green beans (stopped myself from snacking and served myself and warmed up the chicken instead of eating it cold and not enjoying it)
830- lean dessert protein shake w/a sml banana (very good, filling too)

I am sick of the fact that I get home and I do nothing. I do absolutely fucking nothing. my life has evolved into I dont even know anymore. Why am I so upset with all of this?
I feel like I am all alone, no one to talk to, no one to laugh with, no one. just me and my preoccupations with food. I guess that is why I focus so much on that, cuz I have nothing else to focus on. wow i really suck.

I feel like all i day lately is eat, all i think about is eating. I cant stop obsessing about eating, what if i stopped thinking about it. I wonder what would happen. What if for one day I stopped thinking about all the things that bother me, about my weight, my ocd, my worries, my thoughts, my lists, and just relaxed and did what I wanted to do. Instead of listening to what I think I should be doing and following my eating plans at the right time. Im tired of that already, its driving me nuts. Maybe I should just focus on making a loose plan of what I'll eat and eating when im hungry not when I think I should be eating and makign all those execuses for myself of why I should be putting that food into my mouth. Yuck I feel disgustingly fat right now!!!!!!! EWWwwwwwwww!!!!

Tomorrows plan-
egg whites and oatmeal
chicken, sweet potato, baby carrots
protein shake, apple
protein shake, fruit
cottage cheese, blueberries

eat less at night!

BFL-Day 3
I did okay today, once again I feel like my portions at night are too big. I served myself too much sweet potato tonight and I am super full. Beyond full, but im not going to eat anything else for the rest of the night.
8-lipo 6
9- 1/4 cup oatmeal, 3 egg whites, 2 tbl flaxseed, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, a few blueberries
1130- protein shake
12- atrophex
1- chicken, sweet potato, baby carrots
4-5 - workout - upper body weights
5- protein shake (musle milk)
545- egg white salad from trader joe's
7- 4 oz chicken while making food (not good, no more picking at food)
730- big piece of chicken, between 5-6 oz, 1 1/2 sweet potatoe, 2 handfuls green beans

Goals for tomorrow:
1. Smaller portions
2. Get evening eating in check
3. less carbs at night

Today has been a crazy day ive had so many thoughts going through my brain. I realized I want to write a book, yeah a book how fun would that be and I think I can do it, NO i know i can do it. I just have to put my mind to it.

Second Note- BFL Day 2
Well this is week 4 of dieting more strictly. I was loosely following the structure for the first two weeks, basically just eating more protein and getting out of my almost vegetarian lifestyle. Which consisted of lots of soy pattys for protein. After making little mistakes here and there, last week I started doing the BFL workouts from what I gathered on the website and eating somewhat like the plan, but I realized that yesterday when I got my book. I think i have been eating too big of portions and working out too much. What I couldnt believe it, I have always done lots of cardio and my weight has stayed the same. I cant get out of the 30's, so my goal is to get out of those 30's and follow the plan more closely.

Goals-
Stop eating gum
Stop eating mints, sugar free drops or anything sf
Cut down on the splenda, in fact I want to quit it, but I dont know if I can!!

Its sunday and its been my first week of the bfl diet. I didnt go out on friday and saturday I had my cheat day. Yesterday I had a mimosa, a piece of a pancake, some vodka drinks, lots of chips and dip, and a piece of cake. The cake was delicious but I got so sick from the food. I am realizing that my body just cant handle too much of that type of food its so gross.

Im having a hard time realizing that I have to eat, my mind is so used to not wanting to eat that having to eat is making me a little batty. All i could think about is the calories in the food. Im also having a dilemma with eating lots of chicken, I was a vegetarian and last month was almost going back to it, so knowing the fact that ive been eating so much chicken kind of freaks me out sometimes. Part of me feels like im losing weight and another part still feels gross. I feel like im so tired of dealing with all this bullshit and these feelings. These feelings of feeling like i think my body is not good enough is hard.

This week will be better, I am going to get all my priorities in order. Im tired of feeling clueless.